Bipolar/PTSD and ME
Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, I don’t make recommendations, I share my experience. If you need help, please reach out to your doctor or local clinic. Resources linked below.
This is a day* in the life of my mental illness…
Today I woke up with an ache in my head and a humming in my body and ears, trembling of hands, and a high sensitivity to noise. Even some of my favorite sounds like the birds outside the window or the breeze grated on me, giving me a cringing sensation near my jaw. On this glorious day, seventy-five and sunny, I had the windows closed to keep out the chirping of the birds and the street traffic. I lint rolled inside my shirt because it was itchy, and I straightened up all the furniture to help me concentrate. But it didn’t really help.
Today my cognitive ability and executive function is in and out like a bad telephone connection with different levels of static with moments of clarity. The same goes with my emotions: laughing one moment, crying the next, then feeling rage toward myself because of my limitations and fluctuations. I’m embarrassed to be like this in front of my kids—who thankfully are grown and self sufficient. I could not provide for them, nor could my family afford the help we would need if we had to hire assistance. As it is, my husband stayed home with me for nearly a year as I recovered to the point I could be left alone for long periods.
Today, I also flinched aggressively at my husband’s embrace, and I was afraid to drive anywhere alone. I was tired and frustrated—irritable.
Today I listened to a friend read an excerpt of a story and couldn’t follow along. I felt the word patterns and dichotomies but couldn’t recall a single detail when they were done—as a student of literature, long time lover of reading, and ELA educator, this is always frightening.
Today I felt like dying, stopping, taking THE big break from it all. But I didn’t. I keep pushing.
Today, I took my medication because my team and I decided the RISK of not taking them is worse than what I experience in unwanted side effects—though I am not always sure that’s true (see below). It is easy for them to say that but totally different to experience it and arrive at the same decision.
Today, one good thing is that I have HOPE to get back to myself, or as my therapist says, “not back,” but “on to the next chapter.”
Issues with My Treatment: “Sometimes the therapy is worse than the disease.”
Medication 1: “My mind feels like it’s walking around in wet clothes, all sloshy and restrictive in thought.”
Let me start be saying, I take this for bipolar depression.
I’ve struggled with word selection, recall, and an overall spacy feeling. It’s hard for me to read or follow along with intellectual tasks.
I’ve had funny heart issues (abnormal EKG) requiring monitoring—see below heart palpitations are part of anxiety too.
I’ve experience sore arms and legs and used therapies including chiropractor, massage, acupuncture. I’m thirty pounds heavier (more on weight issues in a future post) than I was before.
At times, the tiredness is like the fatigue of early pregnancy.
I have dizziness, headaches, and vision issues at times and the ear noise is very distracting.
The worst part is that I can’t use my brain the way I used to.
Medication 2: “My body feels hopped up on caffeine but also has a lead blanket on top of it.”
Let me first start by saying that take the medication for anxiety and depression. But I also experience anxiety on it, rapid breathing at times, rage (aka my irritability manifests this way).
I have slightly shaky hands, and sometimes I pace the house for hours due to restlessness. I have to watch my insomnia because it can trigger bipolar episodes as a stressor. Ringing in my ears is also in and out like a bad connection. I have head pain different from anything I can explain or have experienced in the past—sort of like an ice-cream caused headache, localized and sharp.
I have anxiety and paranoia as part of bipolar but also have reason to distrust (more on this in a future post), thus these can be enhanced with this medication at times. Thus the heart issues as well.
I’ve had delusions and hallucinations separate from medication, so it makes it very difficult to know if I’m experiencing a side effect or a bipolar issue. I can’t always tell true thoughts/feelings from false ones.
The worst part is that I can’t trust my own thinking.
My therapist says I’m not going back to myself but onwards to the next chapter, but I wish he knew me before I was like this.
With you in solidarity,
Dayna
See resources below. *this post took several days
